I've been having training taekwondo and some self defend martial arts...for those who knows me well enough, i've been learning wushu since i was in primary school...if not mistaken i've learn 3 years or more...until i went in to high school i start to be lazy and stopped...to think back, i kinda regret...

So now, i'm doing martial arts training again with my close friend's brother, started this early year till now...last week, i was sparring with my trainer, then i end up felling on my back...which it's still hurt now...it's been hard for me to bend down, other then that i need to avoid using that part of my muscle cause it really hurts...for the whole week i've been quite tired because of trying to avoid using that part of my back muscle, felt like an old man (T_T ) Don't know why today extra tired after lunch service, but now my back is not as pain, i skipped today's training cause it's not fully recover yet...other then my back some part of my legs is hurting too...

The world really seems to be coming to the end...more and more horrifying news appear in the news paper everyday, the world is not as safe as it use to be, ppl now can'n enjoy night walk...sigh...this morning i saw the news about the swine flu...

Well...take care...

All along i thought i am a good friend to others...
A friend who can rely on, and trust...

But i just realize how realistic i sometime can be or i sometime take advantages on friends...
She told me some incident that i did not remember...

Before we get together...we are just normal friend, sometime hang out with other friend together, sometime share some info in music or food...
She told me that last year during JRK4...i asked her and her friends to come, but they were not sure if they can make it, but she just bought 2 tickets from me, but i did not gave her the tickets she told me, and i don't remember why...until the day of the event, she can't make it because of work (if not mistaken) and the following day when we met at work, i did not refund her...WTF!!!!! I did not remember any of this, how could i??

And during the days where "ghost" was still here, we use to be close, shared a lot of prob, joke around etc etc...even we just known each other few months, but i somehow treat "ghost" as a really close friend...
But after "ghost" left, i was told with a lot of secrets about "ghost"..."ghost" was a spy, 2 headed snake, actor, etc etc...i dun even know...maybe because of my attitude, i normally don't ask or busy body about things that are non of my business, i just do my job, as long as i don't hear there's anything or anyone trying to sabotage me or what so ever, i just do my job...so because of the way i am, i've become a person who does not know how to prevent, i just trust ppl...if u named it nice you called it innocent, to be straight forward, i am just plain stupid!!!
I only know "ghost" for couple of months, but i've known her for 2 years...
There's one time i prepare some left over dessert for staff meal...so she asked me to reserved a bowl for her...
But somehow i did not, rather i took a bowl of it and went looking for "ghost" i went to the cafe and asked her where is "ghost"...
She thought i reserved that for her but when she heard me asking that, she was disappointed...not because i was personally sending the dessert to "ghost" but was disappointed because i did not reserved a bowl a side for her...that time she told herself that i am a friend who can't rely on and i'm just a fake friend, only to be said with word a "FRIEND" but not a truthful one...she hated me after that incident...

After i heard about these, again i hate myself to death...
I'm disappointed about myself...
I'm not going to brag about wat else i feel about myself i guess u guys know, cause i've been bragging the same thing...
I am lucky to have her, she's always hornest...even it hurts but i rather want her to tell me all these so that i can change...
But i can't forgive myself that i treated her this way before...and i dun even remember...shame...what a shame to be me...
As mady said..."it's suck to be me..."
So to all my friends out there, this use to be me...if u all start to doubt about me, i won't blame u all...but if u all gave me a chance...i'm really thankful...

P/s : God, pls throw a thunder and fry me if i did all these again...
 

I sucked big time...

Ever felt that the whole world is against you?
Ever felt that when u try to talk to someone but they don't seems to response?
Yes, it's all my fault...i've cause a lot of headaches more then happiness...

Maybe i'm trying too hard? or i was too careful?
I've bump into a lot of trouble and mistake with my attitude, i just do things without giving a thought whether is it ok in the situation...

Phobias...i've got a lot of phobias...hurting people physically, hurting people verbally , and now hurting people mentally...especially to whom that is special to me...
Maybe i shouldn't have exist in her life in the first place...or even i shouldn't have exist in this world...
Sometimes i felt i've done nothing good for her...
Sometimes i felt like a not so important to her...
Sometimes i felt like i don't deserve her...

I hate myself, i hate myself, i hate myself, i hate myself, i hate myself, i hate myself....these are the words in my mind now...i feel like abusing myself, so that i can feel the pain physically but not in my heart...my heart feel pain to realize i've hurt my love one, my heart feel pain to see she don't seems to  forgive me, or i should just leave her alone to cool down first??

Why did god send me here?
Why does god put me here to hurt people?
Why does god want me to feel all these pain?
Why does god put me here to hurt my love one?

Maybe there's nothing to do with god...maybe it's just me...
Maybe i shall lock myself up back in my world...